With the holiday we spent time with family. Casey's best friend, her cousin Jamie, was there.I hugged her and was so glad to see her. We talked about her upcoming graduation from law school and that she already had a job for the Fall and her trip to Europe with her boyfriend. She is kind and sweet and bright and wants to make a difference in this world-it is such an exciting time in her life and for her parents. I am so proud of my niece but looking at her as she begins her professional life brought into full focus my loss, my family's loss, Casey's loss. Casey should have been there spending time with all of us, with her 5 and 3 year old cousins, laughing and playing with them and telling us all about her exciting job in NYC as a journalist. It is so unfair and I felt angry and jealous of what they had, what I had at one time and what Casey had, and wondered how everyone could be so happy since Casey was not there and Casey was not living and we were having a good time without her. I hope they all realize or even think about how lucky and fortunate they are-parents to be able to see their child grow and prosper, a young adult being able to laugh, and cry and experience love and life and all that youthful energy and the promise of a future.
Did they think of Casey? Did they also miss her? I did not ask them if they were feeling some of what I was feeling.Do they appreciate more what they have because of what we have all lost- yes they loved Casey and have also lost her. Better question--for me-- do I appreciate now what I have today -my son and wife and brother and sister and nieces and nephews and in-laws and all of those who so loved Casey? Do I fully appreciate the gift of life and health and the ability to experience joy and sadness and longing for Casey? And that despite all that I have lost that there is promise for the future?
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I think that when we become parents, we become parents to all the children in the world. We are happy when our (and the world's children) are happy and healthy. We feel pain when they are unhappy or in pain themselves. Personally, I revel in my nephews' successes and I have always been proud of Jamie and her cousin/sister Casey's awesome accomplishments. My friends know about my niece and nephews almost as much as they know about Jamie. And yes, when we are together as a family, Casey's absence is egregious. I see Casey in Kadence and sadly know how much Casey would have loved to watch Kadence sing and dance much as Casey had done when she was with us. My day begins with a silent hello to my niece as I pour my morning coffee and look at her nearby picture. My day ends with a prayer and a message to Casey. This family (I) has never experienced such a loss and I have never known such deep, unrelenting grief. Casey taught me many things, most of which I learned only after she was no longer with us. She taught me that although they have been diminished by one, my blessings are still countless and are not to be taken for granted.
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