Friday, March 22, 2013

toffee chocolate chip blondie

I was in the Salt Lake City airport yesterday and as tired as I have been in months. Just finished 15 high school distracted driving presentations, more than 2500 teens,  in 3 states over the last week and not a lot of sleep.I wanted a snack and saw the blondies-I ordered one and as I started to eat it I thought of Casey and how she loved sweets and started to cry. She should be eating these, travelling, laughing and crying and living. I am 58 years old and she would be 25 next month. It is all so wrong , and even almost 4 years later still makes no sense and I wonder if when I do function, and I do function well, whether I am in a dream that allows me to function and then when I get tired and get emotional,  whether I am only then, when my guard is down so to speak, really experiencing life fully,and emotionally, and all the rest of the time it is not real. I thought that perhaps  I did not want to live, that what I do does not mean anything as Casey is not here and should be and that going forward nothing will change. As good as a day gets, as fulfilled as I am on days when I do speak with teens, Casey is still dead and that will never change. It is incredible to me that I am surviving Casey's death and maybe I do so through this dream-like self-protective state?  Looking into the future? I don't-and that is definitely self-protective.

1 comment:

  1. I know what you mean. It's impossible to grasp the reality of our lives now. It all feels so wrong.

    I do think what you're doing may save lives and that is so important. But our children are not coming back and there is nothing sadder in the world.

    Yet I know that our kids also wouldn't just want us to stop living (any more than we would want other people to waste their lives if we died). So, we have to do our best while we're here.

    But you're right, they are the ones who should be here. And I, too, am unable to think about the future. Everything is upside down and backwards now.