Tuesday, October 26, 2010

After the first anniversary

Di and I were talking about how it seems harder now, after the first anniversary of Casey's death, than in the months leading up to it. We were almost propelled and carried along in our grief during the first year by events unfolding around us-the funeral, return to work, Fordham memorial, fall 2009 establishment of scholarships and awards in Casey's name, the Pink Performance, spring 2010 New Jersey traffic safety initiative, West Chester University benefit concert, Casey's birthday in April, accepting Casey's diploma at Fordham and the day of service on July 17 th. I have been down , most days, much of the day for several months now as has Di. We believe it is the present absence of distractions that is making it so difficult. Once one gets down it is so much harder to find the desire or energy to actually do anything and a potentially self-defeating cycle begins. One of the tasks of mourning for completion is the establishment of an enduring, albeit, altered relationship with the deceased. I am still so focused on keeping Casey's memory alive by service and helping others discover the joys of service-this may not be the establishing of a new and altered relationship with Casey as much as it is about what I need to do for me right now but it is what feels right for me. I can see I will have to work a little harder to keep momentum going, new projects to remember Casey and to help others. But I have learned that I do get so much out of helping others and knowing we are making a difference in Casey's memory. One of the scholarship recipients at the University of Colorado , after spending her spring break volunteering ,wrote the following in a letter to us:

I am making a living, breathing difference in the lives of others that I am proud of and want others to take part in.

This keeps me going. I am not such a good anonymous donor.

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