Tuesday, November 20, 2012

"Have a Happy Thanksgiving"

"Have a Happy Thanksgiving"

I have been told/wished/advised/urged/  to have a "Happy Thanksgiving."  Let me start by stating that everyone who has done so has truly wanted me to be happy--I fervently believe that. But making that wish, or extending that pleasantry to me, does not come without risk. Can I ,or should I, be happy when my daughter Casey is not here to be with us on this special occasion?

Consistent with  my experience over the last three years since Casey has died I feel disconnected from others who have not suffered such a painful and inexplicable loss when they  "treat" me as if I am the same as them. I am different and will always be different-that is clear now.  This will be the 4th Thanksgiving without Casey-without Casey rushing in by train , me waiting to get the first glimpse of her as she appeared walking under the columns at 30th street station, knowing that she had seen me when that smile-that "Casey" look came across her face and I truly believed at that moment, that that look, that "face" was just for me and no one else but her dad could ever receive that special gift.Casey juggling all of her busy work and leisure time, appearing so beautiful, so poised, so absolutely wonderful to her adoring father who, often could not believe that he had played a part in the development of this incredible human being. Casey seeing her pets and loving them all as only Casey could , singing from room to room throughout the house,staying out late to connect with local friends, waking up and appearing in a long and ill-fitting extra large T- shirt, with her hair haphazardly bunched up on top of her head, no make up, teeth unbrushed and looking so young,  innocent and  beautiful. Casey with mom and her little brother and making all feel so specially blessed to be loved by her.

I will share Thanksgiving with friends and family and those that I care about most and who care for me. It will be a special time because I know that one should not squander or take for granted  opportunities to be with those who matter to us. But I am not seeking to have a "Happy Thanksgiving." Perhaps I am seeking to have a positively reflective Thanksgiving, where I take the time to take in all those who are with me and I love, all those who are no longer with me physically that I love and miss so much. To take the time to remember how blessed I am, to  remember Casey, and to remember that from pain and tragedy come tears and one day smiles, and tears and more smiles and an appreciation for all that there is , an appreciation for the opportunities seemingly born from pain and despair, the opportunities afforded by life, and the realization  that special days, holidays, do not need to include "happiness" to be special.

2 comments:

  1. I truly appreciate your thoughts on this subject. My heart is forever broken without my son. Nothing can ever be whole or complete again. Yesterday was the first Thanksgiving without him (and 6 months to the day since he died). We survived, but felt so so sad all day long. Still, we must learn to integrate this loss and find a way to help our daughter find happiness in the future.

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  2. Joel: I cannot comprehend and fully grasp your experience of such a profound and devestating loss. I was on the train with my young daughter last night and she is here at our house this weekend doing all the things that your beloved Casey did. The thought of losing her and your unbelievable loss made me cry. I just cannot imagine your intense pain even to this day. But I just wanted to reach out to you and acknowledge your pain and journey and extend my heartfelt wishes to you and your family. All the best to you Joel.

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