Anniversary

The second anniversary of Casey's death was July 17th. Like last year, friends and family, about 35 of us, performed service at a No-Kill animal shelter in Casey's memory. It was a very good day when I stayed focused on what we were doing. Later that night I had one of the worst nights I have had in months-questioning why I am doing all of these things in Casey's memory, surrounding myself with young people who are leading lives that Casey should be leading and constantly reminding me of what Casey is missing. Of course I do it to remember Casey, to have her life make a difference, and to help me have some focus and direction which otherwise might be difficult. I have no choice but to continue, as painful as it is at times. The alternative is not an option. So how am I doing after the second anniversary of Casey's death? Half of my family's future was wiped away with Casey's death in a manner of speaking so I just look at today, if I can. Am I better? Am I worse than I was before? Am I less angry? Am I less in pain?

For the most part I am and feel so empty and tired.

One of Casey's friends is now engaged

One of Casey's friends became engaged last weekend. She is a sweet, kind, compassionate young woman who has been so supportive to us following Casey's death. She said that she was actually wearing one of Casey's dresses that we had given to her when her fiancee proposed and that she felt Casey's presence and knows that Casey is happy for her. We are so happy for her and her fiancee.

What would Casey have said? How would Casey have reacted? Knowing that Casey will not be at that wedding, will not have a wedding of her own, was overwhelming for me. It is so unfair-not that her friend is getting married-but that Casey will not be. I had wondered in the past how I would be prior to and at Casey's wedding. Casey had no doubts-she said I would be a lunatic like Steve Martin in Father of The Bride and that she would have to really work hard to keep me in line.

This is why I don't look too far into the future-while there is hope, there are friends and so much to do in Casey's memory there is also lots of pain and it is just the way it is and will be until I die or get so old and senile that I do not remember the beautiful young woman I am blessed to have for a daughter.