How am I doing now compared to then?

Looking back to something I wrote 6 weeks after Casey died--

At times it is unfathomable to me that I will never see, hear or hold Casey again or that all of the things we looked forward to sharing with Casey will not occur. Prior to all of this we were as happy as we had ever been as a family and there was a sweet, serene rhythm or cadence to life. That was shattered and has not returned for me but we are doing better as we try to find our way in a world without Casey. One day I can look in her room and smile when seeing her brown bear that she has had since she was a year old and the next day I fall apart and need to cling to “brown bear” . I never really understood what the “pain” of grieving was about until now. I also get the sense that I am “different” now in the eyes of friends and family for having suffered what everyone refers to as the greatest loss imaginable. I know many of them are thanking God it was not their child and while I don’t wish it had been anyone else’s child I certainly wish it had not been mine. The fraternity of parents who have lost children is larger than I ever could have imagined and the paths of recovery of those who have taken the time to contact me are so very very different. There are those who need to tell me that it will never get better for as long as I live -two parents told me that during the visitation. I was startled and then angry at them. I do not accept that now and did not then but I share their grief and hope that perhaps they can get better as I know I will. I do think that what I first thought were so poorly timed and almost cruel comments did help focus me into thinking about the choice I had going forward after losing Casey. I intend to lead as happy and productive a life as I can for my wife, son and myself as well as all those who knew and loved Casey. Had Casey not been born I would have counted myself incredibly blessed with my life, family and friends. I still have all of that and had the blessing of Casey for 21 wonderful years and the promise that many will remember Casey and act in ways to improve our world because of her.


I am appreciating life, thinking that I can deal with anything, more spiritual and on a different and better path, but I am filled with emotion as I think back to how swwet life was with all of us-all 4 of us and what will never be for Casey and us.

Speaking with our loved ones before their death

Yesterday I attended an event marking the first anniversary of Owen Brezitski's death. Owen was 8 and was killed while walking with his family in a crosswalk in the Harrisburg, PA area. The driver was a teen who hit the gas instead of the brake. Owen's mother spoke about the last conversation that she had with her son. She told him how proud she was of him, how she so admired him for many of his attributes and all who heard her speak could feel the love that she had for him. She also said how thankful she was that Owen knew how she felt about him. As I listened in tears I recalled the last conversation that I had with Casey in which she told me she was happy. It has made my mourning easier knowing, that in addition to living a very full 21 years of life and positively affecting so many others,that Casey was happy. I was struck by the "coincidence" of parents, immediately before their children's deaths, being given the gift of a deeply meaningful conversation with their children. It is something we can hold on to as we think of all the things that will never come to pass for us as parents and for our children. As life goes on and I become more open to others I am feeling as time goes on that the coincidences are not coincidental. As I do grief counseling with families whose loved ones have died in hospice I see that despite the advance knowledge of impending death, many families do not have that meaningful conversation before their loved one dies. How fortunate we were for this gift.

Purposefully Busy and Distracted

I am lawyering-continuing to represent the families of those who have been killed, or people who have been injured-doing grief counseling at a hospice as part of my internship-and working on getting distracted driving presentations to more than 500 high schools across the country as part of National Distracted Driving Awareness Month in April.I am so very busy and I know it is purposeful-I still can't look too far ahead into a future without Casey. I can, but I don't and if I do it feels so hopeless, so empty and still so raw and unfair. I am doing better of course and I am thankful for that but at times it seems like everything I do is just to occupy my time and to distract me from the enormity of losing Casey. At times I am very uncomfortable with my reinvestment into life, my moving forward and getting on with life. A life without Casey and the memories of Casey and missing Casey until I die or lose my mind and memory. It is Casey who should be meeting new challenges, meeting new people, positively impacting others. It is not fair that I am doing all of this, and much of what I do is because Casey is dead. I wonder at times do I do it for Casey or do I do it for me and what are my motives?

Kindness Of Others

Today I was handed a card which contained several hundred dollars of donations to Casey's Foundation. It was collected by a number of the staff at the law firm and was given as a gift to help us carry out our mission. I was very touched-very emotional and have been so for most of the last two weeks. Certainly the needs of my counseling clients have grown as we got deeper and deeper into the holidays and the experience of the holidays without a loved one became real. I guess I did not notice that my needs were greater as well. In thanking all of those who were so thoughtful I said the following:


The holidays are difficult and I have been somewhat emotional. That of course is not a bad thing but it is a fact. I count myself fortunate to work here , where everyone is so supportive and no one tells me to get on with my life and that Casey is in a better place-although the latter very well may be true. I am counseling family members in a hospice for my Master’s in counseling. Many of the clients do not have the support that I have received. My internship as well as Casey’s death has taught me to value life, value those that you love and care about and what is important. It has also taught me that so many family members have not told those that they love how they feel about them. I work with sons and daughters who desperately want to connect with a dying parent and have that parent tell them that they love them and that they approve of them. For many it does not happen before the death- “unfinished business.”

My wish for all of you is a happy and joyously reflective holiday and that you take the time to tell those who are important to you how you feel about them. Casey’s death has also taught me that there are no guarantees and that we must do what is important today and not put it off .

Holidays without our children

We just celebrated our third Thanksgiving since Casey's death. I remember that for our first Thanksgiving I wanted to say something for Casey but was too emotional and could not. I regretted not writing it down so that someone else could read it for me.In our family we celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah and Casey loved both holidays.From carefully taking out the tree ornaments from prior years-many made by Casey when she was a little kid in school- and decorating the tree, waking up hours early on Christmas morning, having her gifts on the left side of the tree, her stocking hanging on the left of the fireplace mantel, looking for the Hanukkah gelt(chocolate candies looking like gold coins), lighting the menorah, and exchanging gifts there are just so many memories. As elegant, classy and well-dressed as Casey was when she would go out, I most remember and miss her with her hair tied back, half asleep, no make up and with an extra-sized night shirt on coming down the steps in the morning-as an 8 year old and all the years in between. Even after she lived away at college when she would come home I would so look forward to seeing her like that. Her looks changed as she matured but there was always something so simple, genuine and comforting to me about seeing my little girl like that during the holidays. Or making her favorite breakfast-2 slices of french toast placed together like a sandwhich with a bar of chocolate melted in between. I miss her every day--these little things that I won't see and there are so many memories surrounding the holidays. Holiday memories are built on family traditions and now one of our family is dead .

At the hospice where I work part-time I recently did bereavement programs for the families to help prepare them for the first holidays since their loss. If we can try to plan ahead and think of what the holidays will look like without our loved one we can try to make decisions about what we want to do or not do as opposed to just letting the holidays happen. Will we do things the same to carry on traditions, or will we purposely alter how we celebrate so it will be less painful? Will it be too painful to be around many people who are celebrating when we may feel that to celebrate at all and enjoy ourselves is dishonoring our loved one? Will we welcome suggestions of friends and family how to celebrate or will we feel resentful and consider it an intrusion? Will we feel up to all the tasks that the holidays bring, and, if not, will we feel comfortable saying no or asking others for help when we did not need to do so in the past? One of my clients told me that her daughter-in-law did not set a place at the Thanksgiving table for her recently deceased husband and she became so angry and enraged and confronted her daughter-in-law with her lack of sensitivity and caring at the table before the meal. It is almost impossible to predict how one will react who is still mourning , but planning in advance and talking about what you need should help. While those in mourning may not know how they will react, well-meaning family members and friends most assuredly do not know either. If those who are in mourning can, it helps to tell others what you want to do and what you need from them, knowing that you can always change those plans if you need to. We who mourn loved ones need to care for ourselves and may need more care during the holidays.

Finding comfort in "good deeds"

Many of the positive things that I do now are a direct result of Casey's death-speaking about distracted driving to students and community members, sponsoring volunteerism through Casey's Foundation, speaking to those in the community who have suffered tragic loss and now working at a hospice. My life is better in some respects, I am a better person,a more complete person now. But it is because Casey is dead and almost everyday I am reminded of that and I have yet to find long-lasting comfort or serenity in these "good deeds." Casey did and would have done many good deeds because she was so kind-hearted . It took her death for me to do so...........

Ignorance and silence in the face of loss

Reprinted from August 24, 2010 (accidentally deleted):

Casey's death changed the way I look at loss personally and as an attorney. I have met with several families after Casey's death for the puposes of legal representation. I do so diffently now than I did before. I know that as a person suffering a loss I need support and that it is so dificult for others to provide that support. It seems that initially there can be a failure of support that was hoped for, then perhaps a withdrawal of support as time goes on and then just downright awful support-judging, criticism, unsolicited advice giving. It is becoming more evident to me that I need to take a role in helping others learn how to help me and provide the support that I need. The framework for providing/receiving/obtaining support could be as follows:

Let me tell you what happened to me.

It is ok and even helpful to talk about it and to bring up the subject of my loss.

Here is what you can do to help me.

These , again for me, seem to address the issues of what I need as a victim, the awkwardness and ignorance about loss, and directly communicating what I need to educate others about how to best help me. In applying these concepts to my legal practice I know I can better tell my client's stories.