525,600 minutes

Rent was one of Casey's favorite musicals-Di and I saw it about a month ago-Casey would always sing songs from the show including -"525,600 minutes--How does one measure a year"Do I measure it by the tears, the pain, the emptiness, the anger and bitterness , the disbelief, the wondering of what Casey thought and felt in those last seconds --tormenting myself over and over again thinking of why Casey -why us-there are so many other 22 year olds and so many other families--why Casey and why us? Continually running through my mind of all that Casey was cheated of and we who loved her were cheated of as well-- Graduation, profession, love , friendship, support, understanding,marriage ,children and the chance to experience all the good and bad that life has to offer-the joy and the tears- and the support of friends and family. All of these are and will be how I measure this past year.But I also measure the year by the incredible gifts I have received-from Di and Brett and my family(many of us who do not find it easy to share our thoughts and emotions), my friends, Casey's Fordham friends, Springfield friends, those extended families , the Colorado family, all those who have joined the network and continue to join and the countless strangers who have and continue to reach out to me after learning of my loss. All of the gifts I receive--seeing a pink bumper magnet on a car whose driver I do not recognize, receiving a kind and caring note, hearing a new Casey story, a because of Casey I will or a because of Casey I have and seeing another pink tree. Knowing that so many are thinking of us and Casey and so many will keep Casey's memory alive through words and deeds-- realizing that we can and we have collectively make the roadways a little safer for all of us, that we can and we have helped others perform acts of service, that we can and we have reached out to those less fortunate, provided greater comfort to those who are suffering losses -care more for people and animals-and have been better friends ,family members and people as a result of our tragedy. So the tears still come and go, the questions of why linger and may never be answered but there is much hope and promise and joy and love and some laughter as I look forward to the next 525,600 minutes and all the millions of minutes after... that "Casey's family" has to live life more fully, richly and generously .

One year later

Shortly after Casey's death I was so comforted by all of her friends for staying in touch with us as we grieved. The influence that Casey had on her friends and the influence that her friends had on her was evident-such kind, supportive, caring, generous people. When I prepared the 14 minute DVD for Casey so many of her friends gave so much of themselves by lettting all of us know how Casey had positively impacted their lives. That started the process of getting to know Casey's friends much much better. We collectively grieved , sharing Casey stories when we could talk and just looking at each other and hugging when we could not talk so easily. Tuesday nights at the Feldmans, events honoring Casey locally, Springfield and West Chester and staying in touch through the network site, e-mails and texting. I worried about how long Casey's friends would stay in touch, continue to care and involve us in their lives.One year later we still text, e-mail and gather for Tuedsay night dinners. We still share Casey stories and come together on special occassions to release pink balloons upward to Casey. Casey's friends are still, and will always be, Casey's friends but they are our friends now also. We have created our own relationships with Casey's friends that will endure into the future. These new and evolving relationships are so important to Di and I and enable us to look into a future without Casey's physical presence not as one of anger, despair, longing , emptiness, unfullfilled dreams and loss , but optomistically as a future filled with hope and promise . Hope and promise for us, for all who knew and loved Casey and all who did not know Casey but have learned of her life. We have been given an extraordinary gift by all of those who knew Casey-the greatest gift they could-allowing us and welcoming us to become part of their lives .

Death Notification Class

Last week I participated in the MADD Death Notification Class held in Montgomery County, PA. The class was open for all first responders-police and EMT's and was very well attended. The executive director of PA MADD spoke and requested input from those of us who had lost loved ones. Three MADD volunteers talked about their particular losses and the specifics of the notification to them that their loved one had died. Practical pointers were provided , including suggestions of what to say and what not to say. I provided input concerning my "notification." I remember that night and what was said to me and how it was said vividly and will remember those details for the rest of my life. The doctors who told me that Casey had not survived surgery are now part of my "new story." I reminded those in attendance to remember that each of them, when they notify of a loved one's death, will also become part of that family's new story and that they can provide and incredible gift by starting the family's journey with kindness and compassion and understanding. The lessons I learned from my own experience as well as those learned from the class will help me as I try to comfort others, including my clients who have lost loved ones.

My life sentence

Casey will not be creating any new memories-she will not be speaking new words or be having new relationships. I have learned about death and continue to learn about survival and recovery. I need to keep Casey's memory alive. I need to speak of all the things Casey was and did and receive positive affirmation of what a wonderful young woman she had become. I have a hunger to hear how Casey positively influenced other's lives. I well up with emotion when someone who did not know Casey tells me they will change their life in some small way because of Casey.

Casey has been cheated and I have been cheated and I have to get on with life and do the best that I can.What am I doing and who am I doing all this for? It has almost been ten months since Casey died and I can't believe it. Every day I miss her and in some ways it is worse now than several months ago. The nature of my life sentence is growing clearer.

Who am I following Casey's death?

I have been struggling with my identity since Casey was killed . I am realizing that much of my concept of self- worth was based on being a father to an incredibly talented, gifted and generous young woman. I had always thought that part of my worth as a person and father was in the legacy I would create as a father through my children. Casey and Brett--I have incredible children. Very different but similar in their kindness and caring for others. After losing Casey am I less? Less certainly for not having her in my life and all the promise of the continuing relationship I would have had with her, with her and Di and her and Brett and all of us together. But also less for her not being here after I die. the number of different areas in which I have and can continue to contribute to the world beyond being a father to a child who has died. I think I now can do so much more effectively as a result of the course and focus on many other areas of my life in which I do and can add value to the lives of others. I am also able to look at the legacy my daughter has left, and continues to leave, in the wake of her death-scholarships, benefits, the activities of the Foundation created in her name and , most recently ,changes in pedestrian safety laws in New Jersey(you may have read about these last week). Similarly, I felt isolated at work because I went from being someone who was asked by his colleagues to help on their cases and solve difficult problems to one who was not consulted and left alone/ignored for fear of overloading me or adding to my burden. My colleagues, and a number of others, have been less adept at providing comfort than they could have and I have felt like a lost another piece of me after Casey died-my professional identity. I will also be better able to focus on what I need with respect to approval, and the belief that I am a critical cog in my firm’s success-I am able to look and see that while I am a good lawyer, the firm can get on without me in a number of areas and I have actually been able to have some additional non-lawyering time to pursue other activities that interest me, including counseling. Coincidentally, there will be an Op-ed piece in the Inquirer tomorrow, Monday, which I authored which discusses what has helped me in my grief process and what has not. It is very abbreviated and if you would like to see the full version let me know and I will be happy to send it to you.
I have heard so many times since Casey died that there are no coincidences. Perhaps that is why I did elect to take your course. Thank you very much.

Champagne and pink cupcakes

Will others remember Casey? So short a life and so many more years she should have lived and loved and been loved and experienced and grown and ..........

I pulled in to the cemetery and approached her site. I saw some people at her grave and was annoyed-I was her father and on her birthday wanted to be with my daughter not some other folks. I saw it was Casey's college roommates- Kelsey, Janine, Christina and Cassie. They each had a champagne glass and were gathered around Casey's monument. They had a tradition of celebrating each other's birthdays with champagne and cupcakes from their favorite bakery. They had not forgotten Casey. After hugs and kisses and tears I realized that Casey would not be forgotten. I will always remember the ladies with their champagne glasses and pink cupcakes on Casey's twenty-second birthday.

Casey's gift to me on her birthday

I had spoken at a continuing legal education seminar last Tuesday-Casey's birthday. I had talked about Casey and how, as a result of being a grieving father, I realized that I had not really listened well to my clients who had lost loved ones over the years. I was nice enough but there is a difference between being nice and really listening in a way that the person speaking knows you are listening and that you get what they are feeling. I suggested to the attorneys that we could all do better and that it was really more about the clients than it was about us. I walked out and saw a man who had lost both his legs seated in a wheelchair. Thinking of Casey I stopped , gave him some money and smiled at him. I walked around the corner to the flower store where I pick up flowers ,wanting flowers to drop off at Casey's grave on my way home. I picked a bouquet of pink roses and brought them to the counter. The owner looked at them and since one or two were starting to brown said he would get me a new bouquet. He returned with the same pink bouquet as it was the last one in pink and also a beautiful bouquet of white roses. He said to take both--a gift from him. My present from Casey on her birthday--Thank you Casey.