Parents who carry the loss of a child

Brooke has been training for her first Marathon for about 6 months. After a training run of about 18 miles she saw a plaque on a bench . This is what she wrote to us:

When I finished 18 miles and felt really good, I started to stretch at the bench at the end of the path. I looked up and saw the plaque below on the bench. See the attached picture, but if it doesn't load, it reads, "To all parents who carry the loss of a child within their heats, you are in our prayers. - Love Neil and Karen." This really struck me and reminded me again of the heart of why I am running this marathon. No one expects a child to go before them, and no young person ever expects to loose a friend so early in their lives. I miss Casey so much, and think about her practically every time I run. I think about all the things I know she wanted to do in her life, and who she could have been, and how all that was taken away from her. This plaque was a striking message and a reminder of why I set out to do this marathon in the first place.

I have talked about needing to look for gifts every day as they keep me gong and remind me of all the good in this world. Thanks to Brooke for her many gifts .

Optomism, Coping Skills and Social Support

The research on parental grief is voluminous. Most of the articles contain a statement to the effect that the loss of a child is the worst loss any person can suffer. Other research tries to predict based on a number of variables how a parent will progress over time. Some of the research points to tree variables as rough predictors of future recovery/adjustment:

1. Optimism for life
2. Coping skills
3. Perceived social support

The first two are set by the time the loss occurs-not that we do not learn how to cope after our child's death but the skills that existed at the time of the loss are the focus. So if we have been beat up a little in life and had to overcome some difficulties and in the process learned some coping skills we may be better prepared for this most difficult of obstacles. But perceived social support is the variable that is not fixed at the time of our child's death. Does it appear to us that our circle of friends, family, co-workers and neighbors are supportive? If so , the studies suggest we will do better. With the awkwardness and confusion and ignorance concerning death where are we supposed to get this social support? There are some who actually can be helpful-knowing when to listen, how to be supportive, allowing us to proceed at our own pace and sticking with us , but unfortunately they are the rarity. It is not their fault-I was like them before this happened in many respects also when it came to death, particularly a tragic death. If social support is a predictor of a better outcome for those who are grieving what can we do to educate those around us to do a better job?