tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7908948678301240502024-02-19T04:17:03.839-08:00Recovering from a tragic lossMichael Monheithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17468849097457991782noreply@blogger.comBlogger79125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-10728198114271100962015-10-26T14:36:00.000-07:002015-10-26T14:36:19.756-07:00"It must be difficult to talk about your daughter....""It must be difficult to talk about your daughter...."<br />
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I am told this very frequently after doing a distracted driving presentation and talking about how Casey died. I think sometimes that's, in part, why folks are so appreciative. And that is true for students as well as adults. Sometimes I do tear up, or my voice catches when I speak of Casey. Not so much when I talk of how she lived, but how she died, what her last words were and that I don't have the solace of knowing she did not suffer. I know she lived after being hit, she spoke and likely was terribly afraid.<br />
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It is sometimes emotional for me to speak of those last moments but it would be far worse if I could not remember her in this special way. The tragedy of her death seems just a bit less knowing that telling her story is making a difference and keeping others safe. So most often it is not difficult to talk about Casey at all. I am grateful that I have many opportunities to do so.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04520701913058075599noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-48359603399541129202013-12-02T12:51:00.002-08:002013-12-02T12:51:29.391-08:00Thanksgiving smilesBefore her death I would pick up Casey at the train station coming home from NYC for Thanksgiving. I would park in a spot where I could see the west exit and wait. I would pretty much stare as I wanted to see her as she first appeared. She would walk out and as I was looking at her face she would suddnely see me and she would smile. I knew that smile was reserved for me-her daddy-and I loved it.<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-90413565569828182432013-04-02T19:21:00.000-07:002013-04-02T19:21:05.466-07:00Have you forgiven the man who killed your daughter?After a recent high school distracted driving talk in Colorado a teen age girl asked me if I had forgiven the man who killed Casey. I told her that he had not reached out to me and I have never had a conversation with him. As I said this I felt a little cheap and dishonest-I know that my ability to forgive is not dependent upon the person to whom forgiveness is being granted being present or my having a face to face meeting or conversation with that person. While the other person might benefit from hearing me say "I forgive you" forgiveness begins before the actual words are communicated to the other. So I ducked her question and asked her why she asked. She told me that she has not forgiven the man who shot and killed her little brother and does not know if she will ever be able to do so. I was able to talk with her and let her know that forgiveness does not mean condoning what someone has done, but rather is making a decision to move on, past the anger, hate and bitterness that we feel towards another-that forgiveness can be so cleansing and freeing for those who choose to forgive as well as an incredible gift for the other. I think she is having to think about that a little-I would love to know how it all turns out for her .<br />
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I think I have forgiven the man who killed Casey for the killing but not for failing to reach out, for failing to try to express how sorry he was, for failing to act human and caring and failing to act how Casey would surely have acted had she killed him. I have not communicated anything to him.How does this inability to forgive= let that go and move beyond it- hurt me or hold me back? Maybe I don't understand forgiveness as well as I thought.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-9032596584708430472013-04-01T06:30:00.004-07:002013-04-01T06:30:34.764-07:00Seeing others' children live..With the holiday we spent time with family. Casey's best friend, her cousin Jamie, was there.I hugged her and was so glad to see her. We talked about her upcoming graduation from law school and that she already had a job for the Fall and her trip to Europe with her boyfriend. She is kind and sweet and bright and wants to make a difference in this world-it is such an exciting time in her life and for her parents. I am so proud of my niece but looking at her as she begins her professional life brought into full focus my loss, my family's loss, Casey's loss. Casey should have been there spending time with all of us, with her 5 and 3 year old cousins, laughing and playing with them and telling us all about her exciting job in NYC as a journalist. It is so unfair and I felt angry and jealous of what they had, what I had at one time and what Casey had, and wondered how everyone could be so happy since Casey was not there and Casey was not living and we were having a good time without her. I hope they all realize or even think about how lucky and fortunate they are-parents to be able to see their child grow and prosper, a young adult being able to laugh, and cry and experience love and life and all that youthful energy and the promise of a future.<br />
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Did they think of Casey? Did they also miss her? I did not ask them if they were feeling some of what I was feeling.Do they appreciate more what they have because of what we have all lost- yes they loved Casey and have also lost her. Better question--for me-- do I appreciate now what I have today -my son and wife and brother and sister and nieces and nephews and in-laws and all of those who so loved Casey? Do I fully appreciate the gift of life and health and the ability to experience joy and sadness and longing for Casey? And that despite all that I have lost that there is promise for the future?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-30878808268320618322013-03-22T17:39:00.000-07:002013-03-22T17:39:40.755-07:00toffee chocolate chip blondieI was in the Salt Lake City airport yesterday and as tired as I have been in months. Just finished 15 high school distracted driving presentations, more than 2500 teens, in 3 states over the last week and not a lot of sleep.I wanted a snack and saw the blondies-I ordered one and as I started to eat it I thought of Casey and how she loved sweets and started to cry. She should be eating these, travelling, laughing and crying and living. I am 58 years old and she would be 25 next month. It is all so wrong , and even almost 4 years later still makes no sense and I wonder if when I do function, and I do function well, whether I am in a dream that allows me to function and then when I get tired and get emotional, whether I am only then, when my guard is down so to speak, really experiencing life fully,and emotionally, and all the rest of the time it is not real. I thought that perhaps I did not want to live, that what I do does not mean anything as Casey is not here and should be and that going forward nothing will change. As good as a day gets, as fulfilled as I am on days when I do speak with teens, Casey is still dead and that will never change. It is incredible to me that I am surviving Casey's death and maybe I do so through this dream-like self-protective state? Looking into the future? I don't-and that is definitely self-protective.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-45617303456262564072013-01-01T10:27:00.002-08:002013-01-01T10:27:50.894-08:00New Year's Wishes-The Dialogue of LossIt is New Year's day morning and so many have wished me and my family well for 2013. I have wished many good health, peace and joy for 2013. But everytime someone wishes me and my family well for the New Year I mentally rewrite their good wishes -<em>they mean well, really want me to be happy and are not suggesting that I can ever be as happy as I would have been with Casey here, but that to the extent that I am able, really do want me to be happy and do want the best for me given what has happened.</em><br />
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That is what I do today three and one-half years after Casey's death-mentally rewrite others' statements to supply a "missing ingedient" so I do not question their compassion and ability to empathize.<br />
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I remember closer to Casey's death being angry at those who would wish me well, for how could I be well, or how could I want to be well, without Casey here. Didn't they understand that? Did they even try to understand how every day was filled with such pain, anger,sadness and just feeling so different from almost everyone else? What was wrong with them! Contemplating being happy with my child dead was not conceivable. <br />
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So that was a while ago and things are a little easier now as I have learned to do the mental rewrite which supplies a "missing ingredient" in others' messages. But is that fair of me-to judge anothers' statement as missing something because it did not satisfy <strong>my</strong> needs? Sometimes I feel like I am entitled to some leeway because of what I have suffered, i.e. "cut me some slack." But that is not at all helpful when it comes to improving the dialogue of loss-how we think, feel, communicate, comfort, understand and try to empathize following terrible losses, for that is a two-way dialogue and requires me, as someone who has suffered a loss, to also be understanding of those who do not know what to do or say to comfort those who have suffered such losses. So in response to genuine New Year's good wishes I have responded with anger, by mentally rewriting and supplying missing ingredients, by not being sensitive enough to just how difficult it can be to comfort others, and by silently being critical of attempts to comfort that did not meet my standard.<br />
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Could it be my responsibilty now, afer several years of mourning, to help others understand how their statements may be less than helpful in an attempt to improve the dialogue of loss, but also to suggest what might be helpful from my perspective? If so...<br />
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<em> I am thinking of you and Casey as this new year begins, knowing that I can not understand how difficult it is for you and your family. I am not sure of what to do or say to help so please tell me-I am willing to listen and learn. Allow me to help. It is my hope that when you think of Casey, those memories may bring a smile or even a laugh. Know that as a result being witness to your suffering and your family's suffering, I am trying to value family and friendships more and not take for granted the precious gifts of friendship, love, health, and life. </em><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-64240629457235010672012-12-14T17:04:00.000-08:002012-12-18T05:55:17.390-08:0020 Elementary School Children In Connecticut....If The Parents of The Children Killed in Connecticut Are Fortunate…<br />
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"Parents will go home today and hold and hug their children a little closer tonight-and tell them how much we love them," President Obama said during a press conference. I have heard several reporters and others interviewed express similar sentiments since the tragedy in Connecticut.<br />
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I was driving when I heard the news. At first I guess I just did not believe what I had heard and continued driving. Then I needed to pull over and just sat in my car and cried - for the children, their parents and families, and for those loving and caring teachers who tried to protect the children; and for their community and for the world which is a much darker place today. And of course I cried because I was flooded with three and one-half year old memories from those minutes , days and weeks after my daughter Casey died. I felt, sensed, imagined the collective grief of those who were now suffering and would suffer for the rest of their lives. The magnitude of my families’ grief somehow magnified twenty fold. It is utterly overwhelming and incomprehensible. So why will we hug our living children more and hold them closer tonight? Is it because we still have our children and other parents do not? Is it because for at least a part of today, and maybe for the next several days or weeks, we will allow ourselves as parents to imagine the unimaginable? Is it because we realize that the beliefs we have about the natural progression of life, children surviving parents, beliefs which allow us to function, now are threatened? Is it because we realize that with respect to what is most important to us, the health and life of those we love, we have so very little control? These thoughts and fears are primal and come from deep within, but ultimately are selfish and self-focused. What about these parents?<br />
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If the parents of the children killed in Connecticut are fortunate they will find comfort from friends and family and will have at least someone who will listen for as long as it is necessary- listen as they sob, moan, cry, scream, blame, deny, question, regret, plead, shut-down; listen as they tell the story of their loss, and tell it over and over again, as they must; listen as they anguish over whether their child suffered in those last few moments ; listen as they question whether they loved their child enough, or were good enough parents; listen as they question whether their child was happy and felt loved; listen as they question whether they did anything to bring this misfortune upon themselves and their child; listen as they question their faith and how a supreme being could have allowed this to happen; listen as they wish they were the ones killed instead of their child; listen as they question how they can go on living now that their child is dead; listen as they blame themselves for not being able to protect their child and not being there to hold and comfort their child in his or her last moments. And this is just the beginning for these parents . <br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-49845685515235264132012-11-20T11:29:00.001-08:002012-11-20T11:29:29.749-08:00"Have a Happy Thanksgiving""Have a Happy Thanksgiving"<br />
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I have been told/wished/advised/urged/ to have a "Happy Thanksgiving." Let me start by stating that everyone who has done so has truly wanted me to be happy--I fervently believe that. But making that wish, or extending that pleasantry to me, does not come without risk. Can I ,or should I, be happy when my daughter Casey is not here to be with us on this special occasion?<br />
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Consistent with my experience over the last three years since Casey has died I feel disconnected from others who have not suffered such a painful and inexplicable loss when they "treat" me as if I am the same as them. I am different and will always be different-that is clear now. This will be the 4th Thanksgiving without Casey-without Casey rushing in by train , me waiting to get the first glimpse of her as she appeared walking under the columns at 30th street station, knowing that she had seen me when that smile-that "Casey" look came across her face and I truly believed at that moment, that that look, that "face" was just for me and no one else but her dad could ever receive that special gift.Casey juggling all of her busy work and leisure time, appearing so beautiful, so poised, so absolutely wonderful to her adoring father who, often could not believe that he had played a part in the development of this incredible human being. Casey seeing her pets and loving them all as only Casey could , singing from room to room throughout the house,staying out late to connect with local friends, waking up and appearing in a long and ill-fitting extra large T- shirt, with her hair haphazardly bunched up on top of her head, no make up, teeth unbrushed and looking so young, innocent and beautiful. Casey with mom and her little brother and making all feel so specially blessed to be loved by her.<br />
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I will share Thanksgiving with friends and family and those that I care about most and who care for me. It will be a special time because I know that one should not squander or take for granted opportunities to be with those who matter to us. But I am not seeking to have a "Happy Thanksgiving." Perhaps I am seeking to have a positively reflective Thanksgiving, where I take the time to take in all those who are with me and I love, all those who are no longer with me physically that I love and miss so much. To take the time to remember how blessed I am, to remember Casey, and to remember that from pain and tragedy come tears and one day smiles, and tears and more smiles and an appreciation for all that there is , an appreciation for the opportunities seemingly born from pain and despair, the opportunities afforded by life, and the realization that special days, holidays, do not need to include "happiness" to be special. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-79061135712759021562012-10-05T05:14:00.002-07:002012-10-05T05:14:52.410-07:00How are we doing today?I have spoken with almost a dozen parents who have lost children recently. We talk about how much pain our children did or did not suffer before they died. We talk about what those last moments must have been like, knowing we will never really know, and feeling as parents we somehow deserted our children because we were not there for those last moments -to protect and to comfort. We talk about needing to know everything about how they died while dreading the answers. We talk about whether our children were happy and had led fulfilling lives for their short time on earth. We talk about whether their short lives will be remembered, or whether they will be forgotten.We talk about our loss, and our children's loss and ....we talk about our need, our hunger, "to do" in their memory . We talk about emptiness, and loneliness and pain and being different from other parents as a result of our loss. "How are they doing?" ..."How am I doing?" "How are we doing?"<br />
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It is not often anymore that anyone asks me how I am doing and really wants to know how I am doing <em><strong>today</strong></em>. I wonder if all my activities in Casey's memory suggest to others that I am doing well? I think I am doing well and then .... Is doing well getting on with life-as I seem to be doing; or rearranging my priorities and trying to help others in Casey's memory-as I seem to be doing; or believing that there is so much opportunity for good in this world-as I fervently do? Is doing well having that acute searing, agonizing, terrible jagged hole in my gut, the emptiness of Casey's death and loss, become less, almost like the jaggedness is gone, like a rusty sword, dulled and smoothed over as a result of 3 years of suffering?<br />
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What is doing well? Does it even matter how I am doing as long as I am doing and busy and distracted and open to accept the gifts that are offered to me by others ?<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-23040909487666911342012-08-07T19:21:00.005-07:002012-08-07T19:21:58.769-07:00Long car ridesToday I had a 2 hour drive to Scranton, PA. I start thinking, thinking of Casey and there are no distractions as I sit in the car and drive. I am captive to my own emotions and there is no escaping them. Still after 3 years it is hard to drive long distances alone.We had driven that route so many times as a family -going to see my parents, Casey's grandparents. Seeing if she could hold her breath as we went through the tunnel on the Turnpike, wanting to stop at the rest stops, acting silly and goofy and wanting to get fireworks in Matamoras, or stopping at the flea market at the Monticello Racetrack for bargains with her mother. All those memories come and I am flooded with emotions and alone in the car and no one to talk to. Sometimes I hate long car rides.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-15657191580871269212012-08-02T14:18:00.001-07:002012-08-02T14:18:36.074-07:00Casey's love for animals is making a difference...but<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
We spent the 3rd anniversary of Casey's death performing service at Magee Rehabilitation Hospital in Philadelphia and announced the new facility therapy dog we had funded. Ford, is an 8 year old Golden Retriever and is such a kind, gentle and loving presence. His unconditional love for the patients, many of whom have suffered devastating and life-altering injuries, is palpable as are the patients' reactions to him. The patients are better motivated and willing to work harder for Ford. Here is a link to a video:
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<a href="http://philadelphia.cbslocal.com/2012/07/17/health-dog-therapy-to-honor-casey/">http://philadelphia.cbslocal.com/2012/07/17/health-dog-therapy-to-honor-casey/</a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif";"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was in Chicago speaking with lawyers who will participate in the distracted driving presentations in high schools across the country during the 2012-13 academic year. It is gratifying to do all of this in Casey's memory. But... I am realizing that while all of this is good, and I will continue to do these things, they are distractions so that I don't dwell on the enormity of my loss. I still can't look at more than a few pictures of Casey at a time without getting very emotional. Or listen to her voice on one of the videos we have . Or sit in her room and look at her posters, clothes, trinkets and all the items that she collected that represent her energy, compassion, love for people and animals and family and friends. The tragedy of Casey's death would be compounded if we could not do all these positive things in her memory. But that does not make it any less cruel or unfair. </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-6813096475854735292012-07-15T08:24:00.000-07:002012-07-15T08:24:30.936-07:003rd Anniversary<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Consolas;">Tuesday will be the 3rd anniversary of Casey's death. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and other times , and this scares me, I seem to have gotten used to it in a way. I was reading some of the e-mails and cards and letters that came in from kind folks after Casey's death and while it is very emotional to do so , they are comforting-the common thread was that for those who knew Casey the shock of losing someone with so much energy, compassion and vitality made them want to change the direction of their lives and to become better people. For those who did not know Casey they were touched by learning about her and also wanted to become kinder and gentler people. Looking into a future without Casey is painful, as painful as it has ever been-for what she has lost and what we have lost by not having her here. So I don't really look into the future and miss her and know that half of our family's future was destroyed three years ago. The loss to her and all who knew her and those who would have been touched by her is so profound and I cannot grasp it. I know that for what we have been through nothing really scares me and that I do appreciate life much more. I understand how life and health are gifts, and how important people-relationships - are and that I am impelled to do things, create and touch people in Casey's memory and will always feel that is my mission. I am at times more fulfilled than I have ever been as I mourn Casey's absence, missing here, remembering her and making certain that her life and memory make a difference in this world.</span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-23679093984866869762012-06-29T04:19:00.000-07:002012-06-29T04:19:59.370-07:00Moms and Dads: Mother's Day and Father's Day<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">On Mother’s Day, this year and the two prior years, Casey’s absence was palpable. I did what I thought I needed to do, remind my wife Dianne that she was a great mother, so warm, loving and supportive, and that Casey loved her and that she had been responsible for helping Casey live a wonderful 21 years. I asked how she was doing on Mother’s Day, with one of her children dead. She told me that , for her, all days are like Mother’s Day-that day was no worse than any other. I did not really get the full significance of what she meant until Father’s Day. Father’s Day this year was very difficult for me, more so than the two prior years, and definitely more difficult that other days. It is two-edged-what I have lost and what Casey has lost and will never have. And about a week or so later it struck me -For Di, a mother who has lost her child, are all days for her like my Father’s Day? Are there not days that are easier for moms? </span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-79934084569686114382012-06-14T05:17:00.002-07:002012-06-14T05:17:39.430-07:00Like only a daughter could....I was on the treadmill and watching "Power Ball." Brad Pitt's daughter sings him a song and I start sobbing like I have not for some months. A young girl singing a song about life's troubles, life being a "riddle." But also about hope and possibilities. Her name is Casey too.
I hear Casey, my Casey, in my mind singing show tunes, and remember that when she would sing and our eyes would connect she would give me that sweet, yet confident and knowing look--knowing that she was touching me like only a daughter could.
I wonder if I see these things, these reminders of Casey , to remind me that I am getting on with my life without her..and maybe getting on too well.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-27319660512691578222012-04-06T10:09:00.003-07:002012-04-06T10:23:52.935-07:00For Casey's 21st Birthday three years agoThinking about Casey today-what would be/is her 24th birthday. Looking through old e-mails from before she died and found the one I sent to her three years ago today:<br /><br /> <strong> Not to get too sentimental but I was thinking about that day 21 years ago when you were kind enough to appear and make me a father-one of my greatest blessings in life and for which I am so grateful every day. The eagerness, the worry-your Mom did not want to get to the hospital fast enough for me. And just that feeling when you arrived and we knew you were fine and healthy. I fill with emotion when I think of how wonderful a young woman you are, bright, sensitive and caring and sooooooooooo hard working . I also think about how you have handled the “downs” and I so appreciate you sharing some of those with me also-now that Dad tries to keep his mouth shut and listen its probably easier to do so. <br /><br /> I will try to call you later as I know you are working—hey you are 21-kiss as many strange boys as you want!!!<br /><br /> I love you very much sweetie</strong><br /><br />Filling with emotion today also-still so very proud,still blessed to have Caey as a daughter but raw, painful and emptyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-92219991464474592812012-03-25T16:13:00.002-07:002012-03-25T16:20:25.311-07:00How am I doing now compared to then?Looking back to something I wrote 6 weeks after Casey died--<br /><br />At times it is unfathomable to me that I will never see, hear or hold Casey again or that all of the things we looked forward to sharing with Casey will not occur. Prior to all of this we were as happy as we had ever been as a family and there was a sweet, serene rhythm or cadence to life. That was shattered and has not returned for me but we are doing better as we try to find our way in a world without Casey. One day I can look in her room and smile when seeing her brown bear that she has had since she was a year old and the next day I fall apart and need to cling to “brown bear” . I never really understood what the “pain” of grieving was about until now. I also get the sense that I am “different” now in the eyes of friends and family for having suffered what everyone refers to as the greatest loss imaginable. I know many of them are thanking God it was not their child and while I don’t wish it had been anyone else’s child I certainly wish it had not been mine. The fraternity of parents who have lost children is larger than I ever could have imagined and the paths of recovery of those who have taken the time to contact me are so very very different. There are those who need to tell me that it will never get better for as long as I live -two parents told me that during the visitation. I was startled and then angry at them. I do not accept that now and did not then but I share their grief and hope that perhaps they can get better as I know I will. I do think that what I first thought were so poorly timed and almost cruel comments did help focus me into thinking about the choice I had going forward after losing Casey. I intend to lead as happy and productive a life as I can for my wife, son and myself as well as all those who knew and loved Casey. Had Casey not been born I would have counted myself incredibly blessed with my life, family and friends. I still have all of that and had the blessing of Casey for 21 wonderful years and the promise that many will remember Casey and act in ways to improve our world because of her. <br /><br /><br />I am appreciating life, thinking that I can deal with anything, more spiritual and on a different and better path, but I am filled with emotion as I think back to how swwet life was with all of us-all 4 of us and what will never be for Casey and us.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-79837496569420000112012-03-18T09:26:00.003-07:002012-03-18T09:54:34.609-07:00Speaking with our loved ones before their deathYesterday I attended an event marking the first anniversary of Owen Brezitski's death. Owen was 8 and was killed while walking with his family in a crosswalk in the Harrisburg, PA area. The driver was a teen who hit the gas instead of the brake. Owen's mother spoke about the last conversation that she had with her son. She told him how proud she was of him, how she so admired him for many of his attributes and all who heard her speak could feel the love that she had for him. She also said how thankful she was that Owen knew how she felt about him. As I listened in tears I recalled the last conversation that I had with Casey in which she told me she was happy. It has made my mourning easier knowing, that in addition to living a very full 21 years of life and positively affecting so many others,that Casey was happy. I was struck by the "coincidence" of parents, immediately before their children's deaths, being given the gift of a deeply meaningful conversation with their children. It is something we can hold on to as we think of all the things that will never come to pass for us as parents and for our children. As life goes on and I become more open to others I am feeling as time goes on that the coincidences are not coincidental. As I do grief counseling with families whose loved ones have died in hospice I see that despite the advance knowledge of impending death, many families do not have that meaningful conversation before their loved one dies. How fortunate we were for this gift.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-33258557543986674212012-01-27T13:21:00.000-08:002012-01-27T13:47:22.450-08:00Purposefully Busy and DistractedI am lawyering-continuing to represent the families of those who have been killed, or people who have been injured-doing grief counseling at a hospice as part of my internship-and working on getting distracted driving presentations to more than 500 high schools across the country as part of National Distracted Driving Awareness Month in April.I am so very busy and I know it is purposeful-I still can't look too far ahead into a future without Casey. I can, but I don't and if I do it feels so hopeless, so empty and still so raw and unfair. I am doing better of course and I am thankful for that but at times it seems like everything I do is just to occupy my time and to distract me from the enormity of losing Casey. At times I am very uncomfortable with my reinvestment into life, my moving forward and getting on with life. A life without Casey and the memories of Casey and missing Casey until I die or lose my mind and memory. It is Casey who should be meeting new challenges, meeting new people, positively impacting others. It is not fair that I am doing all of this, and much of what I do is because Casey is dead. I wonder at times do I do it for Casey or do I do it for me and what are my motives?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-76909482515732349892011-12-22T20:18:00.000-08:002011-12-22T20:27:39.577-08:00Kindness Of OthersToday I was handed a card which contained several hundred dollars of donations to Casey's Foundation. It was collected by a number of the staff at the law firm and was given as a gift to help us carry out our mission. I was very touched-very emotional and have been so for most of the last two weeks. Certainly the needs of my counseling clients have grown as we got deeper and deeper into the holidays and the experience of the holidays without a loved one became real. I guess I did not notice that my needs were greater as well. In thanking all of those who were so thoughtful I said the following:<br /><br /><br />The holidays are difficult and I have been somewhat emotional. That of course is not a bad thing but it is a fact. I count myself fortunate to work here , where everyone is so supportive and no one tells me to get on with my life and that Casey is in a better place-although the latter very well may be true. I am counseling family members in a hospice for my Master’s in counseling. Many of the clients do not have the support that I have received. My internship as well as Casey’s death has taught me to value life, value those that you love and care about and what is important. It has also taught me that so many family members have not told those that they love how they feel about them. I work with sons and daughters who desperately want to connect with a dying parent and have that parent tell them that they love them and that they approve of them. For many it does not happen before the death- “unfinished business.” <br /><br />My wish for all of you is a happy and joyously reflective holiday and that you take the time to tell those who are important to you how you feel about them. Casey’s death has also taught me that there are no guarantees and that we must do what is important today and not put it off .Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-45280863969607208862011-12-03T09:49:00.000-08:002011-12-03T09:52:03.282-08:00Holidays without our childrenWe just celebrated our third Thanksgiving since Casey's death. I remember that for our first Thanksgiving I wanted to say something for Casey but was too emotional and could not. I regretted not writing it down so that someone else could read it for me.In our family we celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah and Casey loved both holidays.From carefully taking out the tree ornaments from prior years-many made by Casey when she was a little kid in school- and decorating the tree, waking up hours early on Christmas morning, having her gifts on the left side of the tree, her stocking hanging on the left of the fireplace mantel, looking for the Hanukkah gelt(chocolate candies looking like gold coins), lighting the menorah, and exchanging gifts there are just so many memories. As elegant, classy and well-dressed as Casey was when she would go out, I most remember and miss her with her hair tied back, half asleep, no make up and with an extra-sized night shirt on coming down the steps in the morning-as an 8 year old and all the years in between. Even after she lived away at college when she would come home I would so look forward to seeing her like that. Her looks changed as she matured but there was always something so simple, genuine and comforting to me about seeing my little girl like that during the holidays. Or making her favorite breakfast-2 slices of french toast placed together like a sandwhich with a bar of chocolate melted in between. I miss her every day--these little things that I won't see and there are so many memories surrounding the holidays. Holiday memories are built on family traditions and now one of our family is dead . <br /><br />At the hospice where I work part-time I recently did bereavement programs for the families to help prepare them for the first holidays since their loss. If we can try to plan ahead and think of what the holidays will look like without our loved one we can try to make decisions about what we want to do or not do as opposed to just letting the holidays happen. Will we do things the same to carry on traditions, or will we purposely alter how we celebrate so it will be less painful? Will it be too painful to be around many people who are celebrating when we may feel that to celebrate at all and enjoy ourselves is dishonoring our loved one? Will we welcome suggestions of friends and family how to celebrate or will we feel resentful and consider it an intrusion? Will we feel up to all the tasks that the holidays bring, and, if not, will we feel comfortable saying no or asking others for help when we did not need to do so in the past? One of my clients told me that her daughter-in-law did not set a place at the Thanksgiving table for her recently deceased husband and she became so angry and enraged and confronted her daughter-in-law with her lack of sensitivity and caring at the table before the meal. It is almost impossible to predict how one will react who is still mourning , but planning in advance and talking about what you need should help. While those in mourning may not know how they will react, well-meaning family members and friends most assuredly do not know either. If those who are in mourning can, it helps to tell others what you want to do and what you need from them, knowing that you can always change those plans if you need to. We who mourn loved ones need to care for ourselves and may need more care during the holidays.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-90364785338929855732011-10-18T10:54:00.000-07:002011-10-18T11:02:08.873-07:00Finding comfort in "good deeds"Many of the positive things that I do now are a direct result of Casey's death-speaking about distracted driving to students and community members, sponsoring volunteerism through Casey's Foundation, speaking to those in the community who have suffered tragic loss and now working at a hospice. My life is better in some respects, I am a better person,a more complete person now. But it is because Casey is dead and almost everyday I am reminded of that and I have yet to find long-lasting comfort or serenity in these "good deeds." Casey did and would have done many good deeds because she was so kind-hearted . It took her death for me to do so...........Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-43917297299547989782011-08-17T19:30:00.000-07:002011-08-17T19:42:22.769-07:00Ignorance and silence in the face of loss<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji7hP3DEldkUEbNNszYscmkejGY5lxcdoVqG7KKpmHSJY0EMfx86VD9ZYp7Z-SM48Ry5HU44SJSfHx6wJbh3h_TKc9MsWASWOJCRWIR7ITV98hVOLCHfp04IuznvnsUOWaITyPkhBZSP8S/s1600/casey_07-09_159.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 318px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji7hP3DEldkUEbNNszYscmkejGY5lxcdoVqG7KKpmHSJY0EMfx86VD9ZYp7Z-SM48Ry5HU44SJSfHx6wJbh3h_TKc9MsWASWOJCRWIR7ITV98hVOLCHfp04IuznvnsUOWaITyPkhBZSP8S/s320/casey_07-09_159.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5642018045807987554" /></a>
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<br /><b>Reprinted from August 24, 2010</b> (accidentally deleted):
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<br />Casey's death changed the way I look at loss personally and as an attorney. I have met with several families after Casey's death for the puposes of legal representation. I do so diffently now than I did before. I know that as a person suffering a loss I need support and that it is so dificult for others to provide that support. It seems that initially there can be a failure of support that was hoped for, then perhaps a withdrawal of support as time goes on and then just downright awful support-judging, criticism, unsolicited advice giving. It is becoming more evident to me that I need to take a role in helping others learn how to help me and provide the support that I need. The framework for providing/receiving/obtaining support could be as follows:
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<br />Let me tell you what happened to me.
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<br />It is ok and even helpful to talk about it and to bring up the subject of my loss.
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<br />Here is what you can do to help me.
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<br />These , again for me, seem to address the issues of what I need as a victim, the awkwardness and ignorance about loss, and directly communicating what I need to educate others about how to best help me. In applying these concepts to my legal practice I know I can better tell my client's stories.
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-35108039362811844982011-08-17T17:29:00.000-07:002011-08-17T18:17:21.328-07:00A Need to Talk About Casey<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilyKizy_Y0VMQXerKzV3vUNNCxawHq_zHB0QuDceNMqOeYopmb-Gcd_E1Me6hceVuuT2C8_GbE4jlWWqyFKxHy7v-qnWxFpkKXJcBP4wi3sA6UR31il0rHKszLTX0h7ls3fFD1UMCU1RF7/s1600/DSCF4579+%25283%2529.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilyKizy_Y0VMQXerKzV3vUNNCxawHq_zHB0QuDceNMqOeYopmb-Gcd_E1Me6hceVuuT2C8_GbE4jlWWqyFKxHy7v-qnWxFpkKXJcBP4wi3sA6UR31il0rHKszLTX0h7ls3fFD1UMCU1RF7/s320/DSCF4579+%25283%2529.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641997283355312962" /></a>
<br /><br><br><br> <br><br><br><br><br><br> <b>Reprinted from 2010</b> (prior version accidentally deleted):
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<br />We continue to meet new people who have learned of our loss. We continue to meet parents who have also lost children. It is so clear to me that we need to talk about our children - we need to give their life meaning in whatever ways possible - we do not want our children who lived such very short lives to be forgotten. As I have said before, society does not make it easy sometimes for us to feel comfortable talking about our loss. Some of us have been fortunate to have those surrounding us who try to understand while many of us have not been so fortunate. Talking about our children is another way of keeping them alive. Many of us have also set up scholarships in our childrens' names and have tried to do something positive and lasting in their memory. We do this for them but very much also for us. What do we need to recover? What is recovery from this most awful experience? Someone recently talked to me about the difference between acceptance and peace. I have some measure of acceptance but little if anything in the nature of peace.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-23917136168110713772011-08-17T10:53:00.000-07:002011-08-17T17:24:11.259-07:00New Jersey Pedestrian Safety Law is Changed<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLtjaIxEwBXny0bDwkAgxBU1bUB78JICojSzV9qdTQiP-28H1z-3ccnnbaYDmz92t0ulp5U27ZIaT3upicsLMqPO3Q2ViXIoSS10GK-QN61pQkVl2G-4ZAPEpRFvSE75sbVqGOn7sFsqAl/s1600/press_conference_ocean_city_007.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLtjaIxEwBXny0bDwkAgxBU1bUB78JICojSzV9qdTQiP-28H1z-3ccnnbaYDmz92t0ulp5U27ZIaT3upicsLMqPO3Q2ViXIoSS10GK-QN61pQkVl2G-4ZAPEpRFvSE75sbVqGOn7sFsqAl/s320/press_conference_ocean_city_007.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641885225683083746" /></a>
<br /><strong>Reprinted from April 2010 (prior post accidentally deleted):</strong><br><br>On April 1, 2010 a new law in New Jersey designed to protect pedestrians went into effect. With my wife we attended several press conferences across the state to announce the changes. Casey's story was part of the impetus to have the law enacted according to some traffic safety officials. There was an incredible amount of press, television and newspaper, and it was an emotional day, but overall healing. The thought that somone may not die as a result of a pedestrian accident in the future and another family may be spared what we have gone through is comforting.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-790894867830124050.post-65833251576642711722011-08-14T18:49:00.000-07:002011-08-14T19:10:43.736-07:00Who is my oldest child?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJB5U4Lj9E80xOds-r1a0-rgc0M1jAL-hXJjnRFU9CG5Mdjxj-ubd8IVoiDRzp-J7fBCdzX3i2_7xLXTqACwx7Z8CMF3bOMrqTvBmy4RUDgwwdOKhdYlJChKXc1OV3kd3AT966E9bo9cdK/s1600/cropped.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 320px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 250px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5640898518525014450" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJB5U4Lj9E80xOds-r1a0-rgc0M1jAL-hXJjnRFU9CG5Mdjxj-ubd8IVoiDRzp-J7fBCdzX3i2_7xLXTqACwx7Z8CMF3bOMrqTvBmy4RUDgwwdOKhdYlJChKXc1OV3kd3AT966E9bo9cdK/s320/cropped.jpg" /></a>
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<br /><div>Casey was 21 years 3 months and 11 days old when she died. Brett turned 21 in March of this year. I had been anticipating the day when Brett would have been alive on this earth longer than Casey. That was June 14th. Brett was thinking about it also it turns out.</div>
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<br /><div>So is Casey still my oldest child or is it now Brett? I was talking with Brett and he wondered if Casey would always be his big sister. He said that , for example, when he was 30 he would be more mature than Casey had been at 21. I asked him what Casey would have said about that. We both started to laugh, and we laughed and laughed. "No way" Casey would have said in a heartbeat and would say it for quite a while.</div>
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<br /><div>Casey will always be my little girl that was so precocious, the rebellious and independent teen, the awkward girl turning into a graceful and beautiful young woman and the elegant and sophisticated city woman who made me so proud to be her father. She will not age past 21, she won't get those lines in her face or perhaps add those extra pounds. Casey's birth made me a father and she will always be my first born but I think, probably to her chagrin, that one day Brett will become my oldest child. What do you think Casey-when Brett is old and gray maybe he will catch up?..................."No way Dad."</div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1